Sunday, May 11, 2014

Jack's Tips for Aspiring Home Pornsters

Having watched a fair amount (read: LOTS) of amateur porn, I feel qualified to offer what I feel are a few helpful pointers to would-be naughty videographers. These suggestions aren't just for the benefit of the viewer, but for the subject. Either you are filming yourself, or your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever has talked you into letting them film you. Either way, you want the experience to be fun, sexy, and distraction free. You also, hopefully, intend to watch this masterpiece later, so you might as well make it something worth watching. Now, obviously, sometimes things start happening quickly, and you pretty much just have to thank your lucky stars, start filming, and try not to drop your camera or phone. Fair enough. But if you're going to set out to do something for upload, a little planning never hurts. To that end, I offer the following tips.

1. Keep the camera steady

Your porn doesn't need a "documentary feel." 
Cameras cannot jump around a lot and keep everything sharp and focused the way the human eye can. We know you want to capture everything. We want to see everything. But much like the sex itself, you have to work within the limitations of your equipment. Keep your motions steady and smooth, not jerky and sudden. Don't shift around a lot. The only person who can get away with that shit and people keep watching is JJ Abrams, and you aren't him. If you can't keep it steady because you're excited or because your hand is busy with other things, then mount the camera in one spot. If we wanted to watch blurry, scrambled, out of focus porn, we'd still be fiddling with our cable box controllers to tune in the scrambled channels.
Yeah, rub those blue lines!

You thought I was kidding.
2. Lighting

Roughly eighty percent of photography is about light. That's why, whenever you see any sort of behind the scenes footage, the set is awash in C-stands, cranes and other contraptions bearing diffused lights. The advent of digital photography has not changed this fact. While you certainly don't need to go to the lengths of a Hollywood studio, I can promise you that your novelty bedside touch lamp shaped like a gas meter is not going to provide enough light to see anything, or to keep your camera's auto focus from going crazy trying to resolve the image. Have some decent, even, overhead lighting. Probing her hoo-hah by flashlight doesn't count.

3. Sometimes close is too close.

While I fully understand the urge to linger on some of the more noteworthy parts of the female anatomy,
don't get stuck there. Bits and pieces are nice, but don't ignore the bigger picture. If you've zoomed in on something, don't forget to zoom back out again when you move the camera. Be mindful of what parts you focus in on. You're not making the goddamn Blair Witch Project--no matter how hot your wife/girlfriend/prostitute is, nobody's nose looks good when you're staring up it.

Yes, you.
4. Shut the fuck up.

I can't stress this enough. Nothing kills the mood like a Chatty Cathy. And by Chatty Cathy, in this case, I mean Chatty Chad. I much prefer to watch a woman doing whatever comes naturally, even if it's not porn star grade action, than hear her idiot boyfriend trying to direct her like he's Steven Soderbergh. "Yeah, now rub this... now touch that... roll over on your left side and...." Shut. The Fuck. Up. A woman directing another woman can be hot, but a guy just takes me out of the action and sends me hunting for another clip. The same goes for the compliments. Yes, we know you like what you see. We do, too, or we wouldn't be watching. We don't need a running commentary about how hot her parts are, Madden.

5. Keep your environment neutral.

Don't let your environment detract from you/the action. Again, sometimes, action starts happening and you have to grab the camera to capture it without much planning. But if you're consciously setting out to make something for upload, you may as well put a little prep into it. Watching you getting busy in front of a hutch with pictures of your grandparents, your kids' softball trophies and NASCAR knicknacks is just... weird. A plain sheet tacked up works wonders. The subconscious is a tricky thing, and if part of the viewer's mind is trying to figure out what part of the country you're in or if they have that same souvenir beer stein, they're not focused on you.

6. Eliminate distractions and distracting noises.

This is kind of part of number five above, but mostly specific to noises that are common in home porn. These would include:

- Shut off the fucking television. It's a little difficult to rub one out when all the while in the back of your mind, you're thinking, "I think I've seen that episode of NCIS."

- Disconnect/silence the phone. Ditto the above. Nobody wants to be building up to the moment and have the whole train come to a screeching halt thinking, "Will SOMEONE please ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE?!"

- Put pets out/in the other room. I have seen many a lady in mid performance when suddenly the cat jumps up on the bed. More pussy is not always a good thing. A barking dog is always a nuisance, but particularly so in this endeavor.

- Is that... do I hear... are you freaks seriously doing this with kids in the house?! Nuff said?

I hope that someone finds these little tips helpful. If you have others to add, please feel free to leave them in the comments!

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