1. Keep the camera steady
|Your porn doesn't need a "documentary feel."|
|Yeah, rub those blue lines!|
|You thought I was kidding.|
Roughly eighty percent of photography is about light. That's why, whenever you see any sort of behind the scenes footage, the set is awash in C-stands, cranes and other contraptions bearing diffused lights. The advent of digital photography has not changed this fact. While you certainly don't need to go to the lengths of a Hollywood studio, I can promise you that your novelty bedside touch lamp shaped like a gas meter is not going to provide enough light to see anything, or to keep your camera's auto focus from going crazy trying to resolve the image. Have some decent, even, overhead lighting. Probing her hoo-hah by flashlight doesn't count.
While I fully understand the urge to linger on some of the more noteworthy parts of the female anatomy,
don't get stuck there. Bits and pieces are nice, but don't ignore the bigger picture. If you've zoomed in on something, don't forget to zoom back out again when you move the camera. Be mindful of what parts you focus in on. You're not making the goddamn Blair Witch Project--no matter how hot your wife/girlfriend/prostitute is, nobody's nose looks good when you're staring up it.
I can't stress this enough. Nothing kills the mood like a Chatty Cathy. And by Chatty Cathy, in this case, I mean Chatty Chad. I much prefer to watch a woman doing whatever comes naturally, even if it's not porn star grade action, than hear her idiot boyfriend trying to direct her like he's Steven Soderbergh. "Yeah, now rub this... now touch that... roll over on your left side and...." Shut. The Fuck. Up. A woman directing another woman can be hot, but a guy just takes me out of the action and sends me hunting for another clip. The same goes for the compliments. Yes, we know you like what you see. We do, too, or we wouldn't be watching. We don't need a running commentary about how hot her parts are, Madden.
5. Keep your environment neutral.
Don't let your environment detract from you/the action. Again, sometimes, action starts happening and you have to grab the camera to capture it without much planning. But if you're consciously setting out to make something for upload, you may as well put a little prep into it. Watching you getting busy in front of a hutch with pictures of your grandparents, your kids' softball trophies and NASCAR knicknacks is just... weird. A plain sheet tacked up works wonders. The subconscious is a tricky thing, and if part of the viewer's mind is trying to figure out what part of the country you're in or if they have that same souvenir beer stein, they're not focused on you.
6. Eliminate distractions and distracting noises.
This is kind of part of number five above, but mostly specific to noises that are common in home porn. These would include:
- Shut off the fucking television. It's a little difficult to rub one out when all the while in the back of your mind, you're thinking, "I think I've seen that episode of NCIS."
- Disconnect/silence the phone. Ditto the above. Nobody wants to be building up to the moment and have the whole train come to a screeching halt thinking, "Will SOMEONE please ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE?!"
- Put pets out/in the other room. I have seen many a lady in mid performance when suddenly the cat jumps up on the bed. More pussy is not always a good thing. A barking dog is always a nuisance, but particularly so in this endeavor.
- Is that... do I hear... are you freaks seriously doing this with kids in the house?! Nuff said?
I hope that someone finds these little tips helpful. If you have others to add, please feel free to leave them in the comments!