Sunday, April 26, 2009

Let Madonna Adopt the World

Recently, Madonna was once again playing the charitable tourist in some south African shithole and, like any good tourist, decided to take home a souvenir—-a Malawian child. Not only did the mega-rich superstar tear herself away from Rodeo Drive and fly halfway around the world to throw a ton of cabbage into the corrupt sinkhole that passes for a local economy in Malawi, she also bestowed the ultimate blessing on one of their young: a chance to exchange a life of breathtaking poverty and suffering for one of unparalleled privilege as one of Madonna's growing multicultural brood.

Rather than be ecstatic about this, the government of this vacation hot spot is practically treating her like she is the captain of the Amistad, there to cart off a boatload of locals in chains. The audacity and stupidity of this is beyond measure. A child is better off just about anywhere except Malawi. Even if Madge was taking the kid for slave labor, a slave at Madonna's place would have a higher quality of life than anyone in Malawi, including the exalted Joseph Chigona, Registrar of the High Court and the Supreme Court of Appeal (the local yokel who is supposed to decide this case May 4). You know how I know? I checked. Like most everyone, I didn't have the first clue where the fuck Malawi was, so I looked it up. Let me share with you what I learned from Wikipedia about the beautiful Republic of Malawi:

“Malawi is among the world's least developed and most densely populated countries. The economy is heavily based in agriculture, with a largely rural population. The Malawian government depends heavily on outside aid to meet development needs, although this need (and the aid offered) has decreased since 2000. The Malawian government faces challenges in growing the economy, improving education, health care and environmental protection, and becoming financially independent. Malawi has several programs developed since 2005 that focus on these issues, and the country's outlook appears to be improving, with improvements in economic growth, education and healthcare seen in 2007 and 2008.

Malawi has a low life expectancy and high infant mortality. There is a high prevalence of HIV/AIDS, which is a drain on the labor force and government expenditures, and is expected to have a significant impact on gross domestic product (GDP) by 2010.”

Enough said? Yes, little Mercy James Ciccone will probably be raised by nannies and servants who are also from foreign nations. She'll eventually be photographed by paparazzi getting hammered and doing embarrassing things in public. She might even leak night vision tapes of herself doing embarrassing things in private (a la Paris Hilton). And Madge will, no doubt, have filled her little empty skull with a bunch of goofy Kabbalah nonsense. In short, she'll be just like every other asshole child of some famous celebrity.

What she will also be is alive. She will never want for food, medicine, clothing or shelter. She will have around-the-clock access to the very best protection, medical care, and education that money can buy. She won't die needlessly of some totally preventable childhood disease, waste away from HIV/AIDS, or starve to death in some muddy shanty. That sounds like one hell of a bargain to me, and I can imagine a whole lot of poverty-stricken souls around the world who would pray to win that lottery ticket. I say let Madonna adopt the entire country of Malawi if she wants. It might undo some of the suffering she inflicted on the world with that “SEX” book.

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